


If you must die, sweetheart (die knowing your life was my life's best part)

by SlarStarsFanFics



Series: Everything I see returns to you somehow [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: And by that I mean blame for Ben’s Death is Shunted to Luther, Blood and Injury, Canon Compliant, Canon Dialogue, Character Death is Ben, Comic Elements, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Poet!Luther Hargreeves, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, That’s meant to be the focus of this but it got a little off track
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 06:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26847493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlarStarsFanFics/pseuds/SlarStarsFanFics
Summary: “You’re supposed to be Number One! You were supposed to protect him!” Diego yelled. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s yours!”
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Grace Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Luther Hargreeves & The Hargreeves
Series: Everything I see returns to you somehow [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1958440
Comments: 7
Kudos: 55





	If you must die, sweetheart (die knowing your life was my life's best part)

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TW  
> The title is from You by Keaton Henson

“SCREW YOU!” 

“Hey! Dad was right, we should have done more, this didn’t have to happen!” Luther followed his brother and sister to the front door. Klaus wandered off, unnoticed. 

“I couldn’t do it all by myself! You’re supposed to be Number One! You were supposed to protect him!” Diego yelled. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s yours!”

Luther’s lip unwillingly quivered and tears welled up. The snow started to blow wildly around them. 

“Oh what Spaceboy, you g-gonna cry?” 

Diego stomped away. Allison said nothing to comfort or console him, she just placed a feather-light touch on his arm then stalked back to her room. 

Diego was right. He did cry. He dropped to his knees and cried until there were no tears left to cry. He hadn’t cried when Ben had first gotten hurt, he hadn’t cried when he bled out in his arms, and he hadn’t cried at all after and up until his baby brother’s funeral. Now he did. He cried until his face was snotty and he slammed his fists into the ground and curled himself into a little ball. He stayed on the floor for a while before he headed back to Ben’s grave. 

He placed his hand on the cold casket and tears he didn’t know he still had rolled down his face. “I’m sorry,” he sobbed, “I’m sorry Ben, it was all my fault.”

They had woken up the morning of the mission excited. It had snowed, finally. Ben had burst into his room early and begged him to go outside with him, quickly before their Father called them for breakfast. They had made snow angels, and Luther made Ben promise not to tell because he was too old to do stuff like that and he didn’t want any of their siblings to question his authority as leader or to laugh at him. It seemed stupid now. Everything felt stupid and meaningless. What kind of leader let’s their own brother die?

He lay collapsed on the gravel, murmuring apologies until he fell asleep, as snow drifted down and buried him.  ~~ That’s where he awoke the next morning, cold and alone. ~~

* * *

“I’m worried for him.” Grace said, staring out the large window that revealed their courtyard. Pogo hobbled over to her to watch their blonde boy out in the snow. 

“It’s been two years as of today. I am not at all surprised that he’s been emotional.” The old monkey stated. 

“He’s been standing there all day.” 

And he had been. It was dark now, and the sky that was usually filled with stars and the moon was empty. 

Luther’s short hair was soaked, and if you didn’t know any better you’d think he was sick. His nose and ears were bright pink and his eyes were rimmed the same. The wind stung the tear tracks on his face. Snow dusted his head and shoulders. His eyes hadn’t left the plaque in hours. Maybe if he stayed there long enough he would become a statue too. 

Then he moved. He slowly reached up and grasped the cold, metal fingers that were rubbed gold by all the times he’d done it before. 

Grace put some milk in a pot to start boiling when she returned, then set out a few blankets, towels, and warm clothing. She went to the courtyard and walked to her remaining son.

“Sweetheart, you’re going to catch a cold.”

“I can’t leave him.” He whispered hoarsely. Grace held his free hand and gently pulled him away and towards the house. Her hand was nearly as cold as Ben’s. 

He showered at his mother’s behest and changed into his warmest pajamas. He settled on the couch and she handed him hot cocoa with the little marshmallows that they snuck into the cupboards without Reginald’s knowledge. She wrapped him up in blankets as he stared vacantly. He didn’t feel like he deserved it, the tenderness, the warmth, but he knew Mom needed it. She needed to look after someone, to distract herself from the meaning of this day. 

He had a nightmare that night. He hadn’t had that one in a long time. 

_ Ben was on the floor and he was b l e e d i n g! There was so much of it, so much  _ **_blood!_ ** _ Their family was gathered around screaming. He couldn’t make out the words exiting their mouths but he knew their meanings. Your fault your fault your fault. _

_ He cradled Ben’s head as gently as his brutal hands could muster.  _

_ Don’t leave me please I love you I’m sorry I love you- _

_ Ben’s eyes flickered shut. He stopped breathing. His body was empty and C O L D _

_ Luther screamed. _

* * *

Luther was bleeding. He wasn’t sure where he was or who was there or what time of day it was. But he was bleeding. The smell of burning flesh met his nose. He knew it well. 

“ _ Oh dear Lord, honey I’m gonna call an ambulance, okay? Can you tell me what your name is?” _

_ “Hey, he’s one of those Umbrella kids!” _

_ “He’s so young——“ _

_ “Hello, yes, we’ve got some kind of chemical spill on ——. Someone got hit, one of those superhero kids——“  _

Voices swam in and out of Luther’s head as his vision blackened. The next time he drifted back to the surface, he saw Grace. 

“Mom…”

“ _ Hush sweetheart, it’s going to be alright,”  _

Her smile wasn’t reassuring, but he allowed himself to sink again. He was safe in his mother’s hands. 

He drifted back one more time. He was in the infirmary and a strange man in a leather jacket was standing over him. He felt fingers grasp his own so hard it hurt. 

_ “You gotta pull through, you can’t go like this. Please, you can’t join me yet!”  _ The man said, his voice filled with desperation.

People were arguing around him. Something sharp was jabbed into his burnt chest and the man faded away with a worried smile on his face. Then Luther went under again.  
  


* * *

The moon was cold. It was cold and lonely and he was hideous and beastly and he didn’t understand. He spent his days dealing with moon rocks and watering Ben the plant (Ben the human had always liked plants. It was just another interest they shared.) and writing poetry and reading. He had managed to grab a few books out of the box in the attic before he left.  _ Frankenstein, The Iliad, the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,  _ and even all seven of the  _ Harry Potter  _ books that they had all chipped in to buy Ben on their 14th birthday. 

He saw his siblings sometimes. There was no way they were real, but he almost took comfort in them. Even if they said terrible things. 

Diego yelled at him until his voice was hoarse.  _ You’re pathetic, you’re a monster! I should have been Number One, you’re a terrible leader, you’re a terrible brother! _

Allison ignored him. That hurt more than anything.

Klaus usually just laughed at him. He would point and laugh and keep laughing until Luther would snap and that would make him laugh harder.

Five criticized every move he made.  _ Really, you think that’s the equation? You could’ve done this instead. Why didn’t you dig deeper? You’re strong enough to, and clearly what you’re doing now isn’t helping. You’re still disgusting. _

Vanya kept repeating her points from her book.  _ You’re selfish. You’re just a puppet, and enabler. You don’t care about any of us. Ben was Y O U R F A U L T _

Seeing Ben was always the worst. Ben didn’t yell or get mad. That just made it worse. He said things very matter of factly. 

“You killed me you know.”

_ I know _

“You should have died on that mission.”

_ I know _

“You don’t deserve to live.”

_ I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW _

He could die up here and no one would know. If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? 

He gently wiped the blood spatters off of Ben (the plant). “I’m sorry about that buddy. I didn’t mean to make a mess.” Most of the blood on the cloth came from the hands holding it, not the leaves. Makeshift bandages covered his form. He was running out of medical supplies. He was also running out of soy paste. 

He sat and wrote on his blood-splattered notepad with his fountain pen. Black on red on off-white. He put a name on the back and stuffed the poem in a recently filled package. He had never gotten any replies to any of his letters or poems. Not even from Pogo or Grace. 

_ No replies. Food shortage.  _

If it were anyone but Dad, Luther would have taken this as a red flag. But it was Dad, and he trusted him. He must be busy. 

It was cold. Luther felt cold. It was one of the only things he felt on. He used to like the cold, Autumn and Winter were his favorite seasons. Snow was something he used to love. There was no snow on the moon. There was nothing but dust. And he was freezing. 

* * *

He was so stupid. Gone for four years and one of the first things he does is break his brother’s memorial statue. Fuckin damnit. 

His week just got worse from then on.  _ I’m sorry mom, I don’t want to do this, shit they saw me no no nonono, where’s Five he needs me, it was all for nothing W H Y? ALLISON! _

Then they had to stop Vanya from destroying the world. Then he saw Ben. Their dead brother, the one he killed, was protecting them from beyond the grave. He might get a chance to talk to him again, to hug him again, if only they could get out of this.  _ Guess I owe Klaus an apology. _

Then the moon was blown into pieces  ~~ Rest In Peace Ben (the plant) ~~

And he resigned himself to his fate. He was going to die. He should have died a long time ago. But Five had a plan. They were going to time-travel, they were going to fix this. 

“What about Ben?” He had asked. Klaus looked to the empty spot beside him. “Yeah, yeah he’s in.”

So he held Vanya and they all grabbed onto each-other and all they could see was blue. But he caught a glimpse of the strange man in the leather jacket and he realized.  _ Oh.  _

_ Hi.  
  
_

* * *

Luther landed alone. He had gone back to that alley countless times, screaming himself hoarse. Ruby found him. He found him and fed him and clothed him. He spent a year fighting, baring a body he despised to make money that he immediately gave away. But he made friends. He had a boss who treated him better than his own father. But he was alone again. His family was gone. And all he was left with was guilt. 

Five found him. Five brought them all back together again. Five also brought Vanya to one of his matches. Allison was married and he had hurt Vanya and he meant nothing to his father and he had killed Ben. And he wanted to feel pain. He could hear his siblings yells of dismay. He ignored them. He deserved this. He hit the ground and the moon entered his vision. Maybe he should have stayed there. He would be dead by now. 

He lost his job AND got evicted the next day. He figured he’d take Five up on his offer. He made it to the address he was given and some guy opened the door. He looked at him strangely, but not in the usual way. The man looked him up and down in awe. 

“You want some nitrous?” 

He spent his evening in a dentist’s chair laughing about really traumatic shit with a guy he’d just met.  _ Elliot,  _ he had said his name was. When Five and Diego got there he was still  _ really  _ high. Diego looked a bit uncomfortable when Luther picked him up and hugged him.

“Hey man. Missed you too.”

Five sent them all to gather everyone up the next morning.

They all met at Elliot’s. Elliot was nice. They had all changed so much. Diego and Klaus had grown out their hair, Allison was married, Vanya had lost her memory and gotten a girlfriend and honestly good for her.

Oh yeah, and Klaus started a cult.

“Klaus. Is Ben here?” 

Luther could feel his breath catch.  _ Please please please please- _

“Um, no. Unfortunately ghosts can’t time-travel.” 

And all hope in his chest deflated. Ben was gone, slipped right through his fingers, again. Like that song of the old ABBA record they both loved. 

It’ll just have to wait until they get home,  _ if  _ they get home. 

They had to get home.   
  


* * *

Everything went to shit, as usual. 

Diego’s girlfriend was gone, The Handler was dead, the Swedes were out of their hair. They could go home. 

And maybe, just maybe, he could talk to his brother again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Haha Klaus and Vanya didn’t tell anyone that Ben was gone apparently and that bugs me so much. 
> 
> I’m writing a canon divergent sequel to this just a heads up.


End file.
